The Runner

When did you get so used to the life of a runner? When did you stop believing that tomorrow would come and that maybe your to-do list needn’t be completed today? When did you want to do it all, right this instant?

The world won’t end if you do not sign up for Ancient Greek classes today. You can still learn it next year. You aren’t procrastinating, darling. You are just “doing it all”. Ancient Greek, bicycling group, tutoring Calculus, volunteering at the pet shelter, working for a cranky boss, learning horticulture, taking a trip to Cuba, driving your parents to get pretty breakfast and laughing over your buttered cookies, never connecting.

Yes. Do it all. Because you are right, tomorrow may not come. And the regret of not living your life to your heart’s desire can eat you up from the inside.

But this life will consume you.

You will regret not stopping to let reality overcome you. You would wonder why you don’t have an identity in those rare moments that you stop running to draw in a huge breath before you resume. You will wonder why nobody responded to your invitation for coffee. And when the time comes for coffee, you will wonder why you can’t have it in peace.

Because you didn’t do it right.

You knew how to decipher a Greek text but not your mother’s various messages on your cellphone asking you to visit. You will have better muscles from all the cycling that you did but you won’t be able to lean on that bicycle when you sob. You will definitely know how to tend to the lives of plants but not to your dying, now meaningless relationships.

But I understand.

You have to do it all. Cram it all into a life that would end any second. Lie to yourself saying you were living life, that you did what you wanted to do. That you excelled at it by losing everything that you promised never to lose.

But why would that matter when you get to tick things off your bucket list? Why would it matter when you are constantly running further and further away from your demons because you never stopped running to battle them?

The answer is, it doesn’t.

Congratulations, darling. You have done it all.


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